The Me-attitudes

A girl from Bath, Georgia, responds to The Sermon on the Mount

As I was working on my previous piece on The Sermon on the Mount, I met a 16-year-old girl who said she was from Bath.

Because we were near Savanna, I assumed she meant Bath, Georgia, a tiny place up near the state line. But later I found out there are at least 18 towns named Bath in the U.S. So she could have been from Bath, California or Maine or South Dakota or West Virginia or 14 other places.

I don’t suppose it matters much where she was from, because, with social media, all places become the same place. Likewise, the Mount on which the Sermon was preached is everywhere at once.

After she asked what I was working on, I wound up reading each statement in The Sermon on the Mount and taking down her response.

We got through Matthew 5 when she interrupted to tell me about how she gradually got all the girls at school to imitate her by wearing big, clunky boots, then suddenly switched to slippers so she was the only girl at the next party who could really dance.

The Sermon is quoted in italics below from the Bible in Matthew 5, with the verse numbers shown. The girl from Bath’s comments follow each verse.

3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
No matter what you’re feeling, be confident! Act like you’ve got it all figured out, and people will think you do.

4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Don’t you just hate it when people bitch and moan and carry on when YOU’ve got something to unload?

5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
Oh, no: Don’t let people run all over you. Kick’em in the balls.

6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
Religion is mostly hooey. But since you mentioned hunger and thirst, that reminds me that the potlucks are pretty good, actually.

7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Don’t let anybody get away with anything. And never forget.

8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
Don’t be a stupid little naive bitch; look out for yourself, ’cause nobody else is going to.

9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
If you don’t fight back, people will take advantage of you, and God won’t help you.

10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Don’t you just hate a martyr? So noble in her suffering! Ohhh! Makes me want to puke.

11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
There is not one blessed thing good about being canceled.

12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.
Oh, Lord, not another persecution complex! Get a life!

13 Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.
Yeah, I feel that way about some of my classes. But there are some salty things I could really wrap my… mind… around.

14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.
I feel that’s true of me. I wish more people would notice.

15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.
Some of these bitches think they are so bright you have to wear sunglasses to look at them.

16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.
Heck, I’d rather have them glorify ME! That would be worth doing.

17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
I’m here now, so all the rest of you just move aside.

18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.
Too late, old buddy — time’s up, and you are being replaced.

19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
Yeah, my math teacher said something like that about the homework. I got a C.

20 For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven.
I don’t have the least problem out-classing those twerps. Scribes and Pharisees? I like the way that rolls off the tongue.

21 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment:
I’m against killing. I’d be a vegetarian if I didn’t like steak. But cows are cute.

22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
Whoa! I’m mad at my brother half the time, and he’s mad at me! Are we both going to hell?

23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee, leave there thy gift before the altar, and first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
That’s asking a lot. How do I know if I did something that offended my brother? — Oh, wait….

25 Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.
I agree with that. The best way to avoid trouble is to pretend you understand someone and agree with them. — Like I just agreed with you….

26 Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing.
Always trying to get something from me! I have to watch out for you. — What’s an uttermost farthing?

27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
I’m not old enought to commit “adult-ery.” Is anything wrong with a little backseat “teen-ery”? I sure hope not, cause I ain’t about to quit.

28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
In that case, my heart is already full of adultery, and I’m just getting started. I’m only 16 and I’ve already had five boyfriends, four at the same time.

29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
I do sometimes dislike my mascara. But not enough to cut myself over it. Sheesh!

30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee.
No, no, no, that’s going too far! How about a fingernail? Maybe a long one?

31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:
At my age, there’s no need for that. The lizard look will divorce you from any friend you want to get rid of.

32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.
Naah. Happens here all the time. And who needs a license to, ah, for-ni-cate? Go to it, folks! Just stay out of my way.

33 Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths:
Oh no, there’s not enough time in the world for me to do everything I promised. I promise all the time. Promising is a great way to end a boring conversation, so I can finally talk about something more interesting — such as my endlessly fascination self!

34 But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God’s throne:
Good heavens! How the fuck would I talk if I couldn’t swear and cuss?

35 Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King.
O-K. I’ll give you this one. I will not swear by Jerusalem. Promise! Tee-hee.

36 Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black.
This one too. And furthermore, I will not swear by my beard, either — because I don’t have one! Ha!

37 But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
That’s about all I want to hear from people when I unload on them. Preferably just the Yea, yea part.

38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
Maybe I heard my dentist say something like that when he talked about a bridge. But the next dentist said I didn’t need one.

39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
Well, I think someday I might enjoy being spanked a little — erotically, if you know what I mean.

40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also.
Fuck with my coat, and I’ll scratch your eyes out!

41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.
Oh, no, by the end of the first block, he will be begging me leave him alone.

42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
If I did that I wouldn’t have a thing to wear. So, no. Unless, maybe, I could borrow whatever I want, too. Hmmmm. That might work.

43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
Not a bad plan, all things considered. Except my neighbor is a wuss. And he smells.

44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
What is wrong with you? Are you going send out engraved invitations for people to run all over you? Fuck’em!

45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
Yeah, well, why did he make it rain on the party Saturday? Huh? Tell me that.

46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
I don’t care what publicans — or democrats — do. Personally, I like being loved. So there.

47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
Those publicans again! Screw’em! Vote the bastards out!

48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.
Consider it done!

In case this piece offends you, consider that anyone who has been drawn by the satire to read this far has read a big part of The Sermon on the Mount, perhaps for the first time ever.

Apologies to Chaucer and his Wife of Bath.